Perous Secret Diary - Keep Out: August 10, 2010

juste un chien

i know it's 'only a dog'
but i feel sick with sadness, worried about my hairy friend ludwig and mourning the loss.

it feels like some kind of curse i'm afflicted with.
just as i sat back in the garden of the perou-factory and thought to myself, 'this place is finally perfect: just as i wanted it after 6yrs of work' when a week later we were compulsory purchased...

yesterday ludwig was lying upside down on my lap and i thought to myself, 'he's turned out to be such a lovely dog: he really is perfect'.
an hour later he was gone without a trace.

mrs.perou and sons returned from london to a farmhouse less a dog.
ludwig disappeared on my watch.

his absence is hugely noticeable: the farm feels dark and quiet.

if only stratford could talk and let us know what happened: tell us where the annoying little dog he was actually quite fond of went.

mrs.perou has been in tears on/off most of the time since returning.

i'm kicking myself badly for not having had ludwig wear a GPS tracking collar.
not knowing what's happened to him is exhausting.

there's been lots of emails and calls: people being very supportive.
thankyou.

lots of sad, shared stories about dogs going and coming back or not.

i was told about a clairvoyant who correctly identified where someone's missing-for-three-days cat was.

it's a sign of how desperate i feel: i wouldn't normally consider something so apparently ludicrous but i phoned the woman.
it was a surreal conversation.

"i don't know if you can help me, but we lost our 6 month old puppy yesterday"
"where was the puppy?"
"in our garden"
"what's around the garden?"
"a fence but he can get out under the fence"
"what's beyond the fence?"
"a wheat field"
"the puppy went in that direction. look there. call me when you find the puppy. goodbye"
and she put the phone down.
no question of money.

needless to say we scoured the fields yesterday.
i think he's dead or stolen.
you don't need to be a clairvoyant to work that one out.

amdist her visit to the hospital for her MRI scan mrs.perou has been frantically fly-posting the local area with LOST DOG signs.

obviously (as usual) i'm not home to help with anything.
so mrs.perou had to take sons to the hospital with her, to sit and wait in the ward reception for 20mins while she had her scan.

only the hospital refused to let the sons wait on their own as they 'don't offer childcare as a service'.
only mrs.perou wasn't asking for childcare etc...and after a little 'discussion' the hospital (staff) thankfully changed their mind.

this morning i drove through 2.5hrs in miserable rain, commuting to photograph 'armstrong and miller' at big sky.
the shoot was quite 'funny' and i had to struggle to keep a vaguely cheerful face on.

i don't feel like shooting though.
i feel like sleeping.
i'm feel emotionally drained.

as a kid i cried a lot.
pretty much how maximum is now.
more recently i find it very difficult.
needing to cry and not being able to hurts: my adam's apple aches and i feel frustrated.

can't even begin to imagine how terrible it must be to go through the same kind of thing with a child.
makes me think even more about madeleine mccann and children like her and what their parents go through.
i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be able to cope.