Perous Secret Diary - Keep Out: August 11, 2010

unbelievable unexpected good news

so.
an early post from me to give you the early heads up on the unexpected and very, very happy news.

just after writing my diary yesterday, as i was settling into my hotel in london for the night, i got a call on my mobile.

"have you lost a dog?"
'YES!'
"i think my mate has your dog: describe your dog...yeah this is your dog.  i'm just acting as an intermediary: my mate swopped his english bull terrier for your dog this morning. he swopped it with some gypsies who found your dog yesterday'
'found?'
"yes. they promised it hadn't been taken out of a house or a car so i'm prepared to bring the dog back to you. i like dogs and i know how stressful it can be to lose a dog. trouble is my mate is out £700 as he's lost his dog. so if you want your dog back you need to come up with £700 or an english bull terrier. i'm just an intermediary. i don't want any trouble i'm just trying to do the right thing".
'i don't have £700 or an english bull terrier. how can i get our dog back today?'
"i'll call you back"
'can i have your number? what's your name? where's the dog?'
"i'm just an intermediary. i don't want any trouble i'm just trying to do the right thing"
and then the guy hung up.
he was calling from a blocked number.
adrenaline kicked in.
i checked out of the hotel and started driving home in the tail end of frustratingly slow rush hour traffic.

he called again.
"what's your address, i'll bring the dog tonight and we'll give you a month to get £700 or an english bull terrier"
uncomfortably, i gave the guy my address.
it was on all the lost dog posters anyway.

the guy said he'd be there at 9.30pm.
so i called the police to try and arrange for them to be at the farm at the same time.
so if the guy turned up with ludwig they could appear and say 'thanks for doing your civic duty returning the dog, we would have had to fill in a crime report and now we don't have to'
OR if he didn't turn up with the dog and just said something along the lines of 'i don't have the dog here but if you give me £200 i'll go and get him' the police could say/do slightly more.

but after three progressively desperate calls and being told 'the duty sergeant is working out how to deal with this delicate situation and will call you asap' the police were a no show.

a near neighbour and friend stuart came over for some backup.
i thought maybe the guy was just a loon getting off on our distress or a con man of some kind, drawn to us by the offer of a reward.
but
the guy turned up at 9.30pm as promised, with ludwig unhurt.

he was more than a little strange.
'how do we sort out the money?' i said
"well if i was you...i don't think you should have to pay" said the guy, 'i'm just an intermediary...why don't i get my mate to come over and sort out the money later?"
'how about i give you the £150 reward money now for you to give your mate and we'll call it quits: job done. everyone's happy?'
"ok, if you're happy with that, i'm happy"
"and that'll be that: job done", said stuart.
"yes", said the guy and we all shook hands and he left.

i could NOT believe ludwig was back and everything seemed to be ok.

then things gotta little weirder.
5 minutes later, the guy had returned to the front gates and was shouting.
"fuck you: take your money back. i don't like your attitudes, either of you. you don't know who you're messing with. i can have 50 guys down here straight away. i was just trying to do the right thing. but your fucking messing with me. take your fucking money back. i incurred costs coming out here: petrol and a babysitter"
'i don't understand, that's why i'm giving you the reward money', i said.
'fuck you and fuck your money', he said and he got back in his car and drove off.

this is the abridged version.
many more rambled words were said.
he accused us of writing down his number plate and how there was no point.
(we'd memorised it anyway)

too strange.

two cars independently did slow crawls past the gates and turned in our drive before driving off subsequently.
the police turned up at 10.30pm to write a useless report.

ludwig is back but is exhausted.
today he's very groggy.
i don't know if he was doped or just traumatised.
he'll be ok.
he's not dead, drowned or lost in a wheat field.
he was stolen.

and now we may be at war with some travelers or some others.
the hawthorn hedge that keeps people out but doesn't keep small dogs in the farm is being wire fenced this morning.

ludwig seems quite oblivious to all the commotion.

stratford's sulking to see ludwig's return.
mrs.perou thinks the cat and stratford masterminded the whole thing.
that ludwig was given away to the travelers like joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers.

a very stressful 30hr journey was had.
massive thanks to everyone sending well wishes and thinking good vibes.
this whole event has really polarised for me how many friends we've got and how great those friends are in the neighbourhood round the farm.
and if we are going to war, it's good to know that most of our local friends sleep with their mobiles on, and their shotguns nearby, and will be happy to get a call anytime.

THANKYOU EVERYONE!
i really did not expect this story to have a happy ending.

now i'm back in london.
left at 6am after 5.5hrs sleep.
shooting another good friend, lee mack and the cast of his sitcom 'not going out' for their press.